Not enough jokes

[The Lost Wilbury]

Two Cats.
One English, one French.
Both cats are called "One Two Three".
Both decide to swim the channel, but only one cat makes it across. Which one?


Answer.
The English cat made it across.


Because "Un Deux Trois" cat sank.

[Thorby Bislam]

I'm asking for advice here ...

About once a month I go fishing. It helps me chill out and de-stress. Sometimes it's lake fishing, sometimes sea fishing.

Anyway last weekend I went fishing and while I was in the tackle shop buying my bait, I got talking to the shop owner (Sam) who said they had a boat and would I like to come ? I thought 'sounds good' and said 'yes', anyhow, we fished all day and I didnt catch anything but Sam, the tackle shop owner had a couple of nice ones.

Anyway, when I got home the wife said "you are not going fishing anymore", it ended up in a row and now I have been banned from fishing ever again. So unfair. What the hell is wrong with some women ?.

I've now got to try and sweet-talk the wife into letting me go again. What shall I say ?

I also attach a photo of Sam with one of the fish. \/ \/ \/

[paulk]

I'm asking for advice here ...

About once a month I go fishing. It helps me chill out and de-stress. Sometimes it's lake fishing, sometimes sea fishing.

Anyway last weekend I went fishing and while I was in the tackle shop buying my bait, I got talking to the shop owner (Sam) who said they had a boat and would I like to come ? I thought 'sounds good' and said 'yes', anyhow, we fished all day and I didnt catch anything but Sam, the tackle shop owner had a couple of nice ones.

Anyway, when I got home the wife said "you are not going fishing anymore", it ended up in a row and now I have been banned from fishing ever again. So unfair. What the hell is wrong with some women ?.

I've now got to try and sweet-talk the wife into letting me go again. What shall I say ?

I also attach a photo of Sam with one of the fish. \/ \/ \/

works better if you include the photo.

[paulk]

well the picture hadn't shown up when I posted the above.

[The Lost Wilbury]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a loud knocking on the front door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. He hears the wind and the rain lashing against the window. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, an even louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
Against his better judgement, huffing, puffing and moaning loudly, he drags himself out of bed, puts on his dressing gown and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. He is soaked through and the rain is coming down in torrents.

"Hello there," slurs the stranger. "I'm so sorry to trouble you, but do you think you give me a push?" It is clear to the home owner that the man is more than a little drunk.

"No I can't give you a push, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed fast asleep and I'm not coming out there in this weather," he says and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. The wife says " That wasn't very nice of you. You should have helped him. Poor man".

The husband replies "No way, it's foul out there, I'm not going out there. it's pouring with rain, the wind is howling and it's 3.30 in the bloody morning" There is a short silence and then the wife says "Well you've got a very short memory. Remember that night we broke down on holiday last year. Remember how bad the weather was that night and that man who stopped and helped us. He even towed us to the garage if you remember. You didn't complain then did you?. I think you should go and help that man"

"But he was drunk," pleads the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." Realising he isn't going to win this argument, the husband gets out of bed again, cursing and swearing and gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger, he walks out and down his path. He is absolutely soaked in no time.

He shouts, "Hey, are you still out here?"
"Yes" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Do you still need a push?" he says
"Oh yes please" replies the stranger
"It's pitch black out here and I can't see a thing. Where are you?" he says.

To which the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[Snugster]

Nicked from Viz Top Tips ~

SPANDAU BALLET. Boost your royalty payments by writing songs called "Silver", "Bronze" and "Knocked Out in the Heats".

[The Lost Wilbury]

A man goes skydiving for the first time. The plane climbs to 10,000 feet and obviously the man is feeling quite nervous. The dreaded moment arrives and the side door is opened by an experienced crew member. "Good Luck" he shouts as the man takes a deep breath and walks towards the door. "JUMP" shouts the crew member. The man takes the leap of faith and suddenly silence as he starts his fall. The view is stunning, the sensation of falling is wonderful. After a few seconds he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He frantically pulls again. Nothing. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes? The man yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas ovens?

[The Lost Wilbury]

A married couple, not satisfied with their social status and looking to rise up the social ladder, decided to host a dinner party for some local dignitaries and "high flyers". They even hired a French chef and a waitress for the evening.

The guests arrived and following pre-dinner drinks they all sat down and tucked into the delicious starter course. All was going superbly well, when the waitress came and whispered to the hostess that the chef needed to see her in the kitchen urgently. The hostess excused herself and went to the kitchen. The chef informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table when his back was turned and had eaten a large portion of the beautifully prepared salmon's main course.

The hostess rushed to the cupboard and brought out three tins of salmon. "Replace the eaten parts with this" she told the chef. Using his best skills the chef was able to diguise the tinned salmon in with the fresh salmon. The main course was duly served and no one noticed the difference.

As the guests were enjoying the main course, the waitress again came out and whispered to the hostess that the chef needed to see her urgently again. The hostess again excused herself and went into the kitchen and was greeted by the chef who said "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess asked the waitress to go and get her husband from the dining room. He soon joined her in the kitchen and she told him all that had happened. After a lengthy discussion they decided they had no option but to explain exactly what had happened to the guests. Sheepishly they stood in front of the guests and told them exactly what had occured. They apologised profusely and then suggested that it might be best if everyone went to the hospital as a matter of urgency to have their stomachs pumped. There was a certain amount of panic as the guests rushed for the door and sped away followed closely by the husband and wife. The evening ended in the Accident & Emergency Department with all 6 couples having their stomachs pumped. A complete disaster of an evening.

Returning home some hours later, the couple found the chef, still in the kitchen. They asked him where he had put the cat. "Oh, I haven't moved it" he said "It is still out in the road where the car ran over it."

[The Lost Wilbury]

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well she's not actually my girlfriend................yet!

[The Lost Wilbury]

A friend of mine apparently watched the director's cut of a porn movie the other night where at the end, the bloke starring in it actually did mend the washing machine.

[The Lost Wilbury]

I was driving home earlier when I saw an RAC van coming towards me. As we passed each other I noticed the driver was crying his eyes out.Tears were streaming down his face and I thought to myself "Oh dear, he's heading for a breakdown".

[The Lost Wilbury]

We've all privately asked these questions I'm sure, but no ever gives us the answers. These things bother me.

1) Why is dyslexia such a difficult word to spell?
2) Why is abbreviation such a long word?
3) Blow in a dogs face and he doesn't like it. Take him for a drive in the car and he sticks his head out of the window. Why?
4) What were Barn Owls called before there were barns?
5) Why is there a sell-by date on a pot of sour cream?
6) Can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations?
7) My woollen jumper shrunk in the wash. Why don't sheep shrink?
8 ) Before drawing boards, what did people go back to?
9) If the black box on an aeroplane is indestructable, why don't they make the aeroplane out of the same material?
10) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
11) Who put the letter 'S' in the word "Lisp"?
12) Why did Kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?
13) Why does the word monosyllabic have 5 syllables?
14) Why doesn't superglue stick to the inside of the bottle?
15) If 90% of accidents occur in the home, where do homeless people have theirs?
16) How come, only a person who is sitting down has a lap? Standing people don't seem to have them.
17) In America, why do they have braille on the buttons of the drive-thru ATM machines?
18) Why, when a cricketer goes out to bat, he is "in". Yet when he comes back in, it is because he is "out"?
19) If you tie a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat (butter side up) and then drop the cat (not that I ever would) from a height, which way up will it land?
20) Why doesn't the word "phonetic" start with the letter F?

That's it!

[The Lost Wilbury]

Location: Texas. USA. The middle of nowhere.

A DEA officer stops at a ranch and talks to an old rancher. He says to the rancher, "Howdy old timer, I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The old rancher says, 'Okay Sir, but I'd sure appreciate it if you don't go in that field over there." The DEA officer immediately becomes visibily agitated and says, "Look here old timer, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.

"Old timer, you see this badge? This badge means I am permitted to go wherever I wish, whenever I wish...on any land, for the purpose of finding illegal narcotics. No one has the authority to stop me. Now I suggest you step aside because if you don't you will be arrested for obstructing an officer while carrying out a lawful investigation. Have I made myself clear?" The old rancher sheepishly nods politely, apologises, and steps aside.

The officer enters the said field and the old farmer leans nonchantly on the perimeter fence, tips his hat back and watches the officer as he disappears into the distance across the field, in his quest to discover illegal drugs.

About 5 minutes later the rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life back towards him. He is being chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull who is gaining on the officer with every step. It is obvious that the bull is going to "horn" him before he reaches safety.

The old rancher watches as the terrified officer and the bull run towards him. When they are no more than about 20 yards away from him, the rancher, still leaning nonchantly on the fence, hollers at the top of his voice........ 'Your badge! Show him your badge!"

[The Lost Wilbury]

I asked my local butcher how long I could keep a turkey in my freezer.
He told me it would be alright for months, perfectly safe, no problem.
The lying bastard. I put one in there yesterday and it was dead within an hour.

[The Lost Wilbury]

I phoned into my work this morning to report sick. My boss answered the phone. I told him I had a terrible headache and that I wouldn't be coming in today. He said he hoped I would feel better soon. He then said "Let me give you a small piece of advice though. Whenever I've got a bad headache I always make love to my wife. My headachache always goes away and I always feel much better. It never fails for me, maybe you should try it".
I phoned him back a couple of hours later and said "Hello Boss, it's me. I tried what you said and you're right. My headaches gone and I feel much better now......


.......you've got a nice house haven't you!"